


Lalli muses

by TheYanini



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Iceland, M/M, Mages, Oneshot, Romance, Slow Burn, Supernatural Elements, emil being a sweetheart, lalli being lalli, we miss tuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-07 07:31:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19204759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheYanini/pseuds/TheYanini
Summary: Lalli mused about Tuuri. And about Emil.





	Lalli muses

It would have been Tuuri's birthday today if she hadn't drowned herself a few months ago. 

It really was sad, and a complete waste. Even someone as emotionally stunted as Lalli could see that. He rationalized that really, Tuuri had made a choice, ended her life on her own terms rather than sit and wait until the infection destroyed both her body and soul. As he stood on the unfamiliar wide-open planes of Iceland where Onni was preparing to sing a runo for her, Lalli reminded himself that she had found her way to Tuonela, and that they would see each other again some day.

It didn't quite fill the hole in his heart and did nothing to ease Onni's pain but knowing that her soul was safe in the afterlife and not trapped in a shallow ghostly existence here on earth did help accept the facts.

They were leaving Reynir's little hometown today, back towards their home lands. He could still clearly see Reynir's family home just a little down the hill. There were no trees here to obstruct the view. The rest of their expedition group were packing up, loading the few things they had left after stumbling out of the Silent World onto a truck that would bring them to the ferry station later on. 

Emil's golden blond hair was bright in the sun as he lifted a heavy looking box onto the back of the truck - probably filled with some of the books Mikkel had been able to transport via wheelbarrow. 

Emil seemed in a good mood, lugging heavy boxes around with a spring in his step. It was probably the food, Lalli thought, nearly snorting out loud. Good, warm food followed by a sugary dessert, a decent mattress and Emil was happy. Wherever he was and whatever he was doing, those little luxuries made the difference between having a horrible or a fantastic time. The simple-minded fool. 

"He's such a sweet guy, isn't he?" Tuuri had gushed when Emil had brought back the kitten he found in the Silent World back into their tank, wrapped its tiny shivering body into cosy blankets and fed it warm bits of chicken.

"He's an idealistic idiot." Lalli had said then and, truth to be told, he still felt that way. 

Emil was an idiot, too stupid to see the bad in the world when it stared him right in the face. Incapable of shutting out the voices of the ghosts that were trying to lure him into their lair so they could tear him apart. This level of blind empathy was a sure-fire way to get killed, Lalli knew. 

On top of that, Emil was whiny and spoiled - that much Lalli had known even before the brief stint in the Swede's mind where they had been able to understand one another without the barrier of different languages. And he cared about his stupid hair too much. 

But he had also proven that there was an iron core in him that was strong and unwavering. Tuuri had mentioned that Emil only had one year of military experience - and clearly what Sweden called a "military" was not the bunch of hardened, battle-ready soldiers that Lalli was used to seeing back in Keuruu - that much was obvious from the oblivious way Emil had stumbled into their first few encounters with trolls.

He had the magical capacities of mashed potato. And Lalli had told him, back when they had hardly understood a single word in each other's languages: I knew we were too different. And that was still true as well. Emil had had no idea what Lalli's life was like, not during the expedition, not in Keuruu and not way back in Saimaa. He hadn't known, the things Lalli saw in the dark woods of the Silent world, in the abandoned houses and shops, under bridges and hidden in the rubble. 

But he had gotten a glimpse of it. 

The silly heathen Swede had stared a tormented soul in the eyes and had been drawn in by its pull. He had listened to the Siren's call, unable to shield his mind, and nearly got both of them killed out there.  
Though he had stopped being able to see these things when their minds had successfully separated again but clearly the experience had made a lasting impression on him because Lalli had noticed that sometimes he would stand still and follow Lalli's line of sight, staring into thin air and squinting as if he might catch a glimpse of something supernatural if he just concentrated hard enough. Of course that was not how that worked at all.

It hurt Lalli's pride a little bit to admit but Emil was physically very strong. He wasn't as tall as what Tuuri had said the Swedes generally were ("Towering giants!" apparently) in fact, they were the exact same height. But where Lalli was nothing but light bones and long slender limbs, Emil was broad and stocky - almost double his own width, and weight, probably. They must have put him to good use at least in the Swedish military, he thought, as he looked at Emil's broad defined biceps logging heavy equipment around. 

And he had a nice face, too. Not that Lalli would ever admit thinking so to anyone, ever. Emil's big blue eyes under those thick dark eyebrows were so expressive, any emotion he felt immediately visible with no filter and no holding back. His nose was strong and straight and Lalli had a few times felt an inexplicable urge to run his index finger down the smooth expanse of the bridge of Emil's nose.

And that really.... Was a bit of a new phenomenon.

Not just wanting any type of physical contact with Emil, even just something as innocent as that; but really wanting to touch any other person at all. That really wasn't something that had happened before. And while Lalli was cognitively aware that that was not quite normal for a boy of 19, he also had never felt any urge to change his status quo. Which was staying away from people as much as possible with the occasional exception of Onni and Tuuri. But those two were family, so that was a bit of a different sentiment to begin with. 

Before the expedition he had actually not had that much to do with Tuuri, seeing as how they had vastly different careers. Tuuri was an academic and a trained mechanic; therefore usually found indoors and certainly never outside the settlement of Keuruu. In fact she hadn't left it once in the eleven years since they had come to Keuruu after losing their home back in Saimaa. Lalli would sleep during the days and spend his nights outside, and often gone for scouting expeditions for several days or weeks.

He crossed paths more often with Onni, naturally, as they were both mages.  
Onni was a very capable mage even at a young age and had tried to take over some of Lalli's education once there was nobody else left who could. Onni however, was not immune, and could therefore not work as a night scout. He instead focused more on protective magic and beseeching the gods to favour Keuruu's attempts at farming and animal husbandry. These differences between them quickly led to different duties and different jobs and soon after coming to Keuruu, even meeting Onni hadn't been a regular occurrence anymore. Lalli was vaguely aware that that too, was his own fault. 

Both Hotakainen siblings were a bit older than him as well (Tuuri 2 years and Onni a whole 8 years) and had started moving in different social circles. Onni more due to his work perhaps, as he was a fairly quiet guy himself, but Tuuri, with her outgoing personality, had wanted to make friends, girls to giggle with and braid each other’s hair or whatever they did in their spare time.

Lalli had just been drawn to the forest.

The beautiful, dark, calming presence of the forest that embraced him without words or gestures, that was just there, old and silent.

It cooled his hot temper after a particularly bad day or annoying encounter with another person.  
He watched the spirits float by, listened to the vague, melancholic melodies of the trees and mumbled quiet prayers under his breath.

All great activities as none of them required another person.

Now though, as the quiet notes of Onni's kantele rang out through the clearing and Emil's strong back hoisted crates from A to B, Lalli wondered if Tuuri's project of socialising him had had some success after all.

Both of his cousins had always told him to go and make friends though he never quite understood how he was meant to do that. There was no manual and no spell to tell him how to find people less annoying and stupid. And he so, so, so had not had any need to leave home and go out into the world, like Tuuri had. That sense of adventure and the excitement of trying new things had made absolutely no sense to him - he'd seen what was out there and much of it wasn't great. 

But Tuuri hadn't been able to see the things that lurked in the shadows outside of the settlement, could not hear the voices of spirits trapped calling out in anguish. Tuuri was also smart and studious and had learned two foreign languages with little problems and was eager to go and test her knowledge and skills. To her it had been an adventure.

And Lalli hadn't understood a word anybody said and had felt more isolated in that cramped little tank than he ever had in the vast expense of the Finnish forests.

But Emil, the stubborn bastard, had kept close to him. Had constantly hung around, followed him whenever he withdrew from the group or had outright rejected Lalli's rejection of his friendship. Like that time Lalli had thrown a bowl of soup over him in a fit of misdirected rage. He had been able to justify his anger then but had started feeling guilty when Emil had slowly worked his way back into his personal space pretty much immediately thereafter. 

Emil had tried to protect him on the train before their journey had even really begun. After Lalli had stolen the ham of his sandwich and the Swede had not even gotten miffed about it but just went and bought more food to share with him. Or how he'd handed over his lovely warm coat after Lalli came back from a particularly cold night. Or when Lalli was upset after the dressing down Tuuri had given him.

Emil constantly had an eye on him. Just to make sure he was okay, that he was physically unharmed, fed enough and slept enough. It was very strange to Lalli at first - that sort of mothering was not something he was used to, and certainly not from a fellow 19 year old male. He tried to understand Emil's motivations but couldn't quite wrap his head around it.  
Emil seemed to just seek him out for the sake of being around him. But why? The Swede was pleasant, good at making friends, talking a lot and Sigrun certainly had taken a liking to him. It wasn't as if Emil had no one to talk to; in fact he probably understood the vast majority of their travel companions in terms of language, though there seemed to be some early hiccups in communicating with Mikkel. The only person he had no common language with (up until they picked up that pidgeon-brained red head anyway) had been Lalli. So why cling to the person you're least likely to understand?

Onni began his song over the melancholic melody of his kantele. It was a haunting, soft tune that gently filled the space around Onni, reaching out and up into the heavens, calling out for the spirit of his lost sister. It was a prayer, asking the gods to keep her soul safe and well in the afterlife until the day that they would meet again. 

Footsteps approached from somewhere behind him and Lalli didn't have to turn around to know who it was. Emil stopped by his side, quietly observing Onni playing music and seemingly understanding that is was played as part of a ritual and not for entertainment.

Lalli let a few more notes play out, filling the air with a soft sense of longing.

"It's for Tuuri." He whispered leaning closer to Emil's ear in his rudimentary Swedish. He didn't have the words to describe that the song was meant to tell her that she was remembered and missed by those left behind. He didn't need to. Emil nodded solemnly.

"Can I stay?" Emil asked, carefully pronouncing the words in his native language so his friend had a chance to understand.

"Yes," Lalli replied in thickly accented Swedish. "But must be quiet."

Emil nodded again, sitting down next to Lalli in the dry grass and looking out to the empty open space where Onni was lost in concentration strumming and singing.

Together they sat in silence, both lost in thought and memories of Tuuri. 

And when Onni's song slowly came to an end and Emil's hand came to rest on top of his, his thick warm fingers covering Lalli's, the young mage felt an unexpected wave of gratitude.

Maybe it didn't matter too much, why Emil did what he did. 

Maybe all that mattered was his good, generous heart that was big enough to even have space for someone as difficult as Lalli. 

Maybe all that mattered was the gentle affection that Lalli had somehow attracted and that it felt like a beam of sunlight that had broken through the clouds and that encompassed only him in its soothing glow. 

Emil gave him a careful smile, mindful of the last few sad notes of Onni's song that were hanging heavily in the air. 

Lalli allowed himself to rest his head on Emil's broad shoulder, enjoying the warmth that escaped Emil's body even through the thick woollen jumper he was wearing. The side of Emil's head came to rest on his, slowly, carefully, as not too spook him. There was no pressure and minimal weight put on him. Reassuring but not entrapping. 

He was vaguely aware that Onni had noticed their close proximity but he wasn't commenting on it. His cousins had been so relieved that he had managed to make a friend, had found a person that could accept him for who he was and deal with his difficult nature without trying to change him. Onni hadn't minded that he had wanted to go and spend time with Emil in Reykjavik, to do something as mundane as to go shopping. His surprised look and soon changed into something knowing and accepting and happy for him. It was a new feeling, but a welcome one all the same. 

And as Emil's thumb softly stroked the side of his hand Lalli felt that maybe sometimes it was okay to just hold on to a good thing when you came across it.


End file.
